This weekend held many things for me to enjoy:
Scott's birthday and 6 smoked chickens with all the fixings, special friends of ours over to enjoy and share that with us, and the pool. How I enjoy the pool this year. More than the past few years while I enjoyed it, I usually enjoyed it alone. I've been so blessed with wonderful roommates and friends now that I'm rarely alone. I like it
The celebration of Mother's 80th birthday on Sunday included many joys and surprises. Family from Alabama that came so far to celebrate with us. The decadent delicacies of Kelly's table. Scott got his first taste of extended family celebrations. Vicki, Hannah and Sarah drove 2 hours or more to come join us even though I'm quite certain the whole big family thing is uncomfortable for them. I wish it weren't but I'm so glad they came. I wish I could have spent more time with them; it's difficult to spread so thin. Lauren, Lucas and Charlotte came! after telling me she wouldn't. She came to honor her Grandmother. I'm proud of her for that. I wish they would have had more to do with me but I guess that door is closed again for now. I can't change that. I can't force it open. At least I got to hug her, tell her I love her and spend a little time with Charlotte. Oh, how I love that child. How I love Lauren and Lucas. The demons of the past seem to bay at our heels when we allow them.
I've had so much success with giving that all to the LORD as Scott reminded me I needed to and some days I have to do it more times and more times but I find each day since we had that discussion and Scott prayed over me, it is easier to stay calm and non-emotional in the face of it all. I love my kids so much and was so blessed with each one. I'm thankful that God allowed me into Vicki's life. I'm so thankful that Charlotte is a growing, healthy baby after Lauren had so many health problems. I'm so thankful for Kristina and Micah. All 4 of my kids bear the scars of my wrong decisions and sin but they are also all children of the King and under His blood. I pray they each find peace with themselves and God. My hope is for joy in their lives and not much of the pain I went through but believe me every step God used to mold me and make me. I am thankful for all of them. Some still hurt sometimes but I believe that's the process of healing and handing each into His mighty hands. I've been the blacksheep in my famiy forever and I guess I will always be because they choose to see me as I was and not as I am. I cannot change others. I can only change my reaction to them.
My life belongs to the LORD and to me. I need His guidance and not theirs. I will have His judgement and not yours. I have paid a large price for my sin and I'm sure will continue to. Some of that is the tense relationship I have with the people I love most on this earth: my children, their spouses, and my grandchildren. If you truly knew my heart, you would be pleased with me and not feel the need to control me.
Well, I came off the birthdays and weekend trail and went down the one heaviest on my heart: my babies. Oh that I could have been all that you feel I was not. I would die for each of you but it's time for you to live your lives and me to live mine. I love you enough to do that!
Monday, July 28, 2014
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
New Day
The reality of the pain from my childhood is becoming more and more painful. I've wondered if it was Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I guess we all struggle to give things a name when we don't understand what it is or what causes it. I've had a counselor tell me I should go under intense three day therapy to bring that childhood trauma back and deal with it. I've held on to the knowledge that it is there somewhere in the recesses of my mind but buried deep long ago to not allow it to hurt me. but hurt me it continues to do.
While discussing this with my best friend last night or the man who is quickly becoming my best friend and confidant, he said to me. Why do you feel the need to dredge up old pain? Christ died for that pain. Put it in His hands and let it go. Release it to Him completely. Shocked as I looked in his face, I knew that is exactly what I need to do. I was amazed that it really can be that simple for me because He bore it all. All my sin, all my pain.....this is advice I would have given another but never thought to do it myself. What a treasure You have put into my life with Your wisdom. I don't need to relive it. I need to release it to You in complete trust and You will remove it from me. You are my Jehovah Rapha, my healer.and although You and I talked about this last night after I was home, I want to relinquish this daily until it is gone from my memory one morning and I walk in the freedom of Your love and grace. I want more than anything to walk as Your servant approved by Your sacrifice and grace......I wish to walk free from the bondage of the experience that I won't allow myself to remember but that continues to haunt me. I don't want to take it back from You again. I thank you that I am good enough for You to die that excrutiating death but more important to rise and walk in Your glorified body to return for us one sweet day to live in paradise forever as God intended. I don't have to be "good enough" again for anyone else. The days of trying to protect my brothers and resent others are over. This is now Yours LORD and I am forever grateful for the freedom I sense in my spirit.
It's a new day!
Thank you for using Scott to make me see I was holding on to the pain because I thought I had to and You are the one that really already holds it for me in eternity. Maranatha! Come LORD!
While discussing this with my best friend last night or the man who is quickly becoming my best friend and confidant, he said to me. Why do you feel the need to dredge up old pain? Christ died for that pain. Put it in His hands and let it go. Release it to Him completely. Shocked as I looked in his face, I knew that is exactly what I need to do. I was amazed that it really can be that simple for me because He bore it all. All my sin, all my pain.....this is advice I would have given another but never thought to do it myself. What a treasure You have put into my life with Your wisdom. I don't need to relive it. I need to release it to You in complete trust and You will remove it from me. You are my Jehovah Rapha, my healer.and although You and I talked about this last night after I was home, I want to relinquish this daily until it is gone from my memory one morning and I walk in the freedom of Your love and grace. I want more than anything to walk as Your servant approved by Your sacrifice and grace......I wish to walk free from the bondage of the experience that I won't allow myself to remember but that continues to haunt me. I don't want to take it back from You again. I thank you that I am good enough for You to die that excrutiating death but more important to rise and walk in Your glorified body to return for us one sweet day to live in paradise forever as God intended. I don't have to be "good enough" again for anyone else. The days of trying to protect my brothers and resent others are over. This is now Yours LORD and I am forever grateful for the freedom I sense in my spirit.
It's a new day!
Thank you for using Scott to make me see I was holding on to the pain because I thought I had to and You are the one that really already holds it for me in eternity. Maranatha! Come LORD!
Monday, July 21, 2014
Our hearts
The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the LORD; he turns it where he will.
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the heart.
To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice.
Haughty eyes and a proud heart, the lamp of the wicked, are sin.
The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.
The getting of treasures by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor and a snare of death.
Proverbs 21:1-6
Oh my the things I do that are right in my own eyes are weighed by the LORD because he sees, he knows my heart.
Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the heart.
To do righteousness and justice is more acceptable to the LORD than sacrifice.
Haughty eyes and a proud heart, the lamp of the wicked, are sin.
The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty.
The getting of treasures by a lying tongue is a fleeting vapor and a snare of death.
Proverbs 21:1-6
Oh my the things I do that are right in my own eyes are weighed by the LORD because he sees, he knows my heart.
Start Again with a 1969 Shasta
Started this over a year ago and posted one blog. No more. Did creativity stop? Did schedules rule the day....my forever "to do list" in my head....Maybe all of it.
It was an interesting year. Had just returned from my first Merlefest last year-2013; camping alone and relearned that I can be just fine alone. It was a great lesson after being with my Father as he breathed his last 2/8/13 and losing a relationship with a man that I will no longer call a gentleman, the day after the funeral.....too ugly to revisit and so thankful that it woke me up to yet another situation where I allowed others to control my life far too much.
Spent the past year working on my '69 Shasta Travel Trailer that was really rebuilt since even the frame was rotten from rain leaking in, with a dear friend. My dear friend reframed the whole thing, taught me how to do a few things for myself, laughed at my awkwardness more than was necessary, taught me how beautiful an evening could be watching the multitude of birds that came to his feeders and the deer that came at dusk for their corn, taught me patience and make believe with the elderly is a must just by watching him care for his aging Mother, taught me that family is more important than being right, and kept me right in the spot I came to him in, a dear friend. What a wonderful friend he is and thank you will never cover all that he taught me in that short few months as we worked together and laughed together and a few times as I cried watching how he cared for the woman who brought him into the world and the daughter and son he brought into the world. His relationship with God is private as I learned more about his life: "between he and God". I respected that but was able to talk about my relationship with God without reproach of any kind. He's a private man, a good man, and a great friend. After a lot of sweat and work, got the camper back from his house and my precious son-in-love painted the exterior on July 4th weekend, 2014. He did a fabulous job and I can't wait to finish the inside and hit the bluegrass trail with her. Thanks Steve. I miss our talks but I know we will pick up where we left off just as soon as we see each other again. Your heart taught me so much!!!! You are a forever friend. Most people said they would just cut my losses on the Shasta but not Steve, he said we can do this. We did. Well, he did a lot of it without my help at all.
Other friends helped too. David is working on the wiring. Eddie caulked and did a good bit of the demolition on the inside.
Friendship covers so many levels. I am more than thankful for my friendships and I am so blessed to have so many dear friends. They become your family as your family grows beyond you and moves on with life. Its difficult to grasp the closeness of family when you are young that pulls so far apart as we grow older. Or did in our case. I see some families so close that they are together so much and are so close they can finish each others sentences and laugh together at those secret times when it was only the two or three of them involved in something funny. How blessed they are to have had that closeness. I envy that and wish we had it. We tried to pretend we did for years but I think everyone has given up except maybe my sister-in-love, Kelly, who always tries to pull us together. Thank you Kelly for your efforts and work to that end. We are difficult to corral for long.....Mustangs.....that's what we are Mustangs.........
It was an interesting year. Had just returned from my first Merlefest last year-2013; camping alone and relearned that I can be just fine alone. It was a great lesson after being with my Father as he breathed his last 2/8/13 and losing a relationship with a man that I will no longer call a gentleman, the day after the funeral.....too ugly to revisit and so thankful that it woke me up to yet another situation where I allowed others to control my life far too much.
Spent the past year working on my '69 Shasta Travel Trailer that was really rebuilt since even the frame was rotten from rain leaking in, with a dear friend. My dear friend reframed the whole thing, taught me how to do a few things for myself, laughed at my awkwardness more than was necessary, taught me how beautiful an evening could be watching the multitude of birds that came to his feeders and the deer that came at dusk for their corn, taught me patience and make believe with the elderly is a must just by watching him care for his aging Mother, taught me that family is more important than being right, and kept me right in the spot I came to him in, a dear friend. What a wonderful friend he is and thank you will never cover all that he taught me in that short few months as we worked together and laughed together and a few times as I cried watching how he cared for the woman who brought him into the world and the daughter and son he brought into the world. His relationship with God is private as I learned more about his life: "between he and God". I respected that but was able to talk about my relationship with God without reproach of any kind. He's a private man, a good man, and a great friend. After a lot of sweat and work, got the camper back from his house and my precious son-in-love painted the exterior on July 4th weekend, 2014. He did a fabulous job and I can't wait to finish the inside and hit the bluegrass trail with her. Thanks Steve. I miss our talks but I know we will pick up where we left off just as soon as we see each other again. Your heart taught me so much!!!! You are a forever friend. Most people said they would just cut my losses on the Shasta but not Steve, he said we can do this. We did. Well, he did a lot of it without my help at all.
Other friends helped too. David is working on the wiring. Eddie caulked and did a good bit of the demolition on the inside.
Friendship covers so many levels. I am more than thankful for my friendships and I am so blessed to have so many dear friends. They become your family as your family grows beyond you and moves on with life. Its difficult to grasp the closeness of family when you are young that pulls so far apart as we grow older. Or did in our case. I see some families so close that they are together so much and are so close they can finish each others sentences and laugh together at those secret times when it was only the two or three of them involved in something funny. How blessed they are to have had that closeness. I envy that and wish we had it. We tried to pretend we did for years but I think everyone has given up except maybe my sister-in-love, Kelly, who always tries to pull us together. Thank you Kelly for your efforts and work to that end. We are difficult to corral for long.....Mustangs.....that's what we are Mustangs.........
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