This weekend held many things for me to enjoy:
Scott's birthday and 6 smoked chickens with all the fixings, special friends of ours over to enjoy and share that with us, and the pool. How I enjoy the pool this year. More than the past few years while I enjoyed it, I usually enjoyed it alone. I've been so blessed with wonderful roommates and friends now that I'm rarely alone. I like it
The celebration of Mother's 80th birthday on Sunday included many joys and surprises. Family from Alabama that came so far to celebrate with us. The decadent delicacies of Kelly's table. Scott got his first taste of extended family celebrations. Vicki, Hannah and Sarah drove 2 hours or more to come join us even though I'm quite certain the whole big family thing is uncomfortable for them. I wish it weren't but I'm so glad they came. I wish I could have spent more time with them; it's difficult to spread so thin. Lauren, Lucas and Charlotte came! after telling me she wouldn't. She came to honor her Grandmother. I'm proud of her for that. I wish they would have had more to do with me but I guess that door is closed again for now. I can't change that. I can't force it open. At least I got to hug her, tell her I love her and spend a little time with Charlotte. Oh, how I love that child. How I love Lauren and Lucas. The demons of the past seem to bay at our heels when we allow them.
I've had so much success with giving that all to the LORD as Scott reminded me I needed to and some days I have to do it more times and more times but I find each day since we had that discussion and Scott prayed over me, it is easier to stay calm and non-emotional in the face of it all. I love my kids so much and was so blessed with each one. I'm thankful that God allowed me into Vicki's life. I'm so thankful that Charlotte is a growing, healthy baby after Lauren had so many health problems. I'm so thankful for Kristina and Micah. All 4 of my kids bear the scars of my wrong decisions and sin but they are also all children of the King and under His blood. I pray they each find peace with themselves and God. My hope is for joy in their lives and not much of the pain I went through but believe me every step God used to mold me and make me. I am thankful for all of them. Some still hurt sometimes but I believe that's the process of healing and handing each into His mighty hands. I've been the blacksheep in my famiy forever and I guess I will always be because they choose to see me as I was and not as I am. I cannot change others. I can only change my reaction to them.
My life belongs to the LORD and to me. I need His guidance and not theirs. I will have His judgement and not yours. I have paid a large price for my sin and I'm sure will continue to. Some of that is the tense relationship I have with the people I love most on this earth: my children, their spouses, and my grandchildren. If you truly knew my heart, you would be pleased with me and not feel the need to control me.
Well, I came off the birthdays and weekend trail and went down the one heaviest on my heart: my babies. Oh that I could have been all that you feel I was not. I would die for each of you but it's time for you to live your lives and me to live mine. I love you enough to do that!
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